What i cant say...

Its so hard for me to say how i really feel

All my emotions are spinning like wheels

If i could just tell you without breaking your heart

Maybe we could be friends and just re-start

I keep waiting for that feeling to spark

But instead its like a freight train coming to a stop

If i could just pay myself to like you then maybe everything would be okay

But i cant do that my heart has to go its own way

If I could just go back to the start

There'd be no need to break your heart

I wish you could see what I'm trying to say

But i guess only time can heal this mess I've made

Your making this hard on me by being so sweet and kind

But it still doesn't change the way i feel inside

And even though I'll be hated

I have to go about this without being jaded

Every time i get up the nerve to say

I end up running back to my cave

I guess I'll never be able to say how i truly feel

Maybe that's the consequence for making you such a big deal...

_________________________________________

This poem was inspired by a story i read today in language...

I think i kinda like it.

I'm not sure..

do you?

please be honest....?

New Poem.

Everything inside, that ive been trying to hide

Is just boiling over infront of my eyes

Truth is, im frustrated

Ive become everything ive always hated

The walls are closing in

There just isnt a way to win

Sometimes i just break down and cry

Not even understanding why

Ive been broken down in the worst ways possible.

The hurt just seems unstopble

Although i try to tough it out, and put on a happy face

The pain isnt erased

My rage seems to be getting worse

Life is rough, Feeling like your not good enough

Yes, ive been praised

But a question is raised

Why dont i take this to heart?

This may be the hardest part

With prayer and hope

Maybe ill be able to cope

All i can do is try and hope.

________________________________________________________

You like it?

Im not so sure about it.

I wrote it today in pre-algebra.

I just had to write in down when it popped into my head...of course i didnt finish my class work so now i ahve to finish it this weekend.

:/

but whatever.

Was it worth it?

lol

ell ohh vee ee

We all want love, but why?

For me, solitude is love. I love being alone. It's when I get things done. It's when I'm free of worry.. but I'm not everyone, Thank God, and it seems everyone else is happiest when in the company of other people constantly.. and not just in the company of other people- They want affection and love in their company. They want a certain attention that only a lover could give. Almost like something is missing within them. They're searching for the perfect fit to smooth over the hole. It's like when someone takes a piece of cake and you smooth over it with icing to hide the hole. They want someone to conceal what's missing.. and they think that's going to somehow make them complete. Putting a bunch of icing over the missing slice of cake doesn't make it whole and neither does having a boyfriend or girlfriend if you're missing something inside of you.

People think having a boyfriend or girlfriend is the miracle that will save them from their problems. If they had a bad childhood, they look to their partner to make everything better. That is a big burden and responsibility, not to mention expectation to bestow upon someone else.
Don't get me wrong, Love is grand. Love is infinite. Love is the answer to a lot of things, but Love is NOT always the answer like they say.. especially when Love isn't really Love at all. When YOU have severe emotional problems and you look to your partner to make you complete, that is NOT LOVE and that is NOT the answer!

I understand that togetherness is important and that people make the world go 'round, but why do we periodically crave love? Like a good piece of cake..

I know what it's like to love love, I also know what it's like to be a Love-Chaser. Some people chase storms and rainbows.. Well, some of us chase love too. We chase it like lunatics.. not even knowing why we're chasing it.. and then the lucky few of us that do catch it, throw it to the ground. Why? Because a lot of people don't know what the hell love is. Love isn't for toddlers. It's a grown up thing. It's serious and it's intense and it takes over your life. Love is to be handled with gloves and deep unyielding care. (Teeenagers scare me these days.)

Love-Chasers/Hunters, Quit looking in the face of every person you see, asking yourself if they could be the one.

I want you all to ask yourselves- when you weigh out the possibilities of someone being your partner, what do you take into consideration? We're all guilty of looking at looks, but you have to have a clear understanding as to where it's going to lead or you're setting yourself up for an emotional cartwheel. Is it a good sex? A one night stand? (Those might be fun but just know that it's not going to lead anywhere or you'll be upset the morning after) Is it the long hall?

The most important thing to see is.. can you keep a conversation going? Some couples bore each other to tears when talking, so they have to resort to making out. If your body's are doing all the talking- that's a warning sign. There has to be a comfort level between you two to get to know each other, or else your tongues are gonna know each other better than your minds and your hearts.So many couples shouldn't be together. Let's face it- they're not facing it! Love is never easy, there will be arguments OFTEN, because jealousy happens.. insecurity happens.. and many other emotions brought on by being in a relationship. It is very important that your partner makes you feel assured that they love you and only you, and it is very important that you do the same. It's all about an equal balance.

The reason a lot of couples end because of affairs isn't because they don't love each other, but because they're not satisfying each others sexual and emotional needs.. and that's not to say that you should do something you don't want to do, but if you don't have the same priorities, odds are, you never will.

Breaking up is the best advice I can give. You may have a hard time unhooking your heart at first, but soon you will feel free and happy.. and the most important thing to do after a break up is to NOT DATE ANYONE for a long while. You have to have recovery time. You have to treat it like a serious accident just happened. You have to have downtime to ever have up-time in the future.

And lastly, but not least(!): Don't date just to date. We all know those people who date for the hell of it. Just because they don't want to be alone. It's all about holding out, people! When you date any and every guy that comes along, it sends the wrong message and you'll be too busy dating that guy or girl you don't care about to notice your soulmate who just walked into the coffee house..

Treat your emotions like they're your favorite pair of pearls. You don't want just anyone trying them on.. and once you find someone worthy of wearing them, your pearls will look gorgeous on them.

I would say Happy Hunting.. but , LOVE ISN'T AN EASTER EGG HUNT. Quit looking for it! Let it look for you.

[Blank] lol

This morning:
I'm sitting here in Chase's living room this morning, feeding my Starbucks addiction. His mom got new couches, so she's forcing us to use them as much as possible. I can't lie, they're some great couches. Giant. Like you're lying on a bed. But it's not a bed. It's a couch. So you're all confused, but comfortable at the same time? So yeah. I'm just hanging out, blogging. Basking in the new-couch-ness. chase is hitting ping pong balls against the wall like a 5-year-old.

Now:
I'm sitting here in my room with all the lights off and candles EVERYWHERE, and it's the most beautiful thing ever. You say "fire hazard", I say "poetic". It's so peaceful.My dog is yelling at me. He has abandonment issues.Mostly because I abandon him a lot. That's probably why. So he's being loud again. There's no reasoning with him when he's like this. Soon he'll be all "forgive me, I didn't mean it" and I'll be all "How can I believe you?" and he'll be like "'I'm sorry" and I'll burst into song with "You're NOT sorry. No, no, no-ohhhh." Or not. Or I'll just go to bed and he'll stop his drama and jump up on the bed and curl up next to me and start snoring. That's what's actually going to happen.

I'm so excited for "The Secret Life of the American Teenager"! All though I'm scared that this season wont be as good as the first. I think the first season was really good cause you got to learn about the different people and their personality's. Who knows though this season could be ten times better, So I guess we'll just wait and see. I'm also SUPER excited for "Transformers 2" Its going to be awesome! It comes out in 2 more days...Any one wanna come and watch it with me?My moms been nagging me to invite a friend to come watch it with me. So if you wanna come PLEASE twitter, text, call, myspace, me, so i can tell my mom...i kinda need to know by tonight so...*cough cough* ask your.. *cough* mom *cough*....

I seriously cant stop listening to The All American Rejects CD...Its like I'm addicted!I think my favorite songs on the CD is "Damn girl", " Mona Lisa", "Sunshine", and my all time favorite might me "Another Heart Calls", but i cant make up my mind. It's amazing how "real" AAR has been over the years. They haven't changed at all! I remb. being in like second grade and listening to "DLS" over and over, and wanting to know what his secret was..lol. But like real their like the only band that isn't being a sell out, nowadays.

So I'm going to stop rambling and go watch Secret life now.
Bye:)


After Secret Life:
I loved the first episode. it was really good, and very SHOCKING!
It mad me really sad!!!

like did he really have to die!

like fathers day was yesterday!
I'm currently watching make it or break it and cooking dinner with amber.
I dont want the kitchen to go into flames so I'm gonna go now.



God Bless.

Growing up..

All of my life i’ve wanted to be someone. maybe not a miracle maker, but perhaps a pinch of a prayer. a soul shaker. risk taker. barrier breaker. you only weigh as much as your wings can hold. is my age a number? add a handful of zeros and you have one tenth of how many miles i’ve traveled in the past 2 years. take the three off the end of 13, and you get the number of real friends i probably have.

when waking up each and everyday…i open my eyes to an open sky. not literally of course, i prefer sleeping under a roof…but to a day of endless possibilities. who knows what the day holds. today could be a normal day. or today could be the day i look god in the eyes and shake his hand...

growing up is a hard mirror to stare into. it’s like spilling all of your change on the floor, or like trying to ride your bike for the first time without training wheels and falling down and scraping your knee. growing up is trying to remember your dreams when you wake up, and trying to determine which is reality and which is just a subculture of your inner mind. don’t we all want to be free??? as people is it more scary to die? or more scary to live? afterall..do we even know what is what and which is which?

Freedom To Smile?

I believe in freedom. I believe in being able to stand up and in being able to do and say what you believe in. I pray for the safety and love of everyone who fights and defends our freedom at all corners of this world. I believe in freedom of speech, I believe in freedom of choice; but what about the simple freedoms we take for granted? The freedom to wake up in the morning next to the people we love? The freedom to watch our younger brothers and sisters grow? The freedom to sit on a beach and to watch the sunset, knowing that in a few short hours we’ll have the freedom to wake up and watch that same beautiful sun rise.

Let’s go even more simple.What about the freedom to smile?Isn’t a smile universal? Isn’t a smile sometimes all we have? We can be rich or poor. Young or old. Man or woman… but we can all smile. Well, almost all….

I came across the story of a beautiful little girl named Angelica Joy. Born in the Philippines. She was born strong. Born from loving parents and born with hope. However… sweet little Angelica Joy was born with a cleft lip. She was born without the ability to smile. How sad is that? The poor girl couldn’t smile at her parents’ eyes. Couldn’t smile at the sound of a sweet lullaby.

I am teary eyed typing this. Of all the horrible things going on around the world and of all the freedoms that different countries have and don’t have… I believe we should all have the freedom to smile.There is hope. There is an amazing charity set up for children with this setback and it is called SmileTrain.org.

In 10 years they have funded almost half of a million surgeries on beautiful children just like Angelica Joy, and they could really use our help.Look… I know im not a big deal of anything, I know I’m not an A-list celebrity… Hell, I’m not even a Z-list celebrity.

I am just like all of you. I don’t have much money… but you know what? That doesn’t mean I can’t help. You don’t need money to change the world. You need spirit. You need love. Though I don’t have much, I do plan on making some sort of small donation.

You don’t have to do the same but I am asking you to at least help spread the word. If we can’t afford to help out in these tough economic times, we can still get the word out. The economy can empty our pockets but it’ll never empty and rid our chests from the love and support that we have for the people around us. If you don’t want to do this for me… I understand. But do it for Angelica Joy. Do it for her mother who just wants her precious child to be able to smile back at her.

My thoughts at 3 in the morning...

So, I'm new to this whole blogging thing so please forgive me if my post suck.

oh, and i would love it if people would comment them...i love to hear other peoples thoughts. :)

So, this blog I'm writing now isn't really important but most people blog about their days and silly stuff like that...so......

Last night i couldn't sleep...no suprise there!

I'm finding that now since summer has started I'm frequently complaining about my sleep pattern. lol.

For example last night i went to bed at like 12 O'clock and watched some TV to try and clear my thoughts....i watched one show..it ended...i watched another..it ended..so finally i just cut the TV off and tried to just sleep...

1 hour later i was still awake... so i say "okay" and grab my ipod, cut it on, and lay back down...i probably listened to "miserable at best" and "The World Has It's Shine (But I would drop it on a dime)" a million times....at least!

listening to miserable at best made me think...

i dont know why but i kinda like, thought up a scene from a movie..like i thought it though..

it was a boy and a girl fighting in like a big wind storm in the middle of the street by the ocean.The color of the sky was breath taking..like i was in awe....but any way, they were screaming and yelling at another through this huge wind storm almost like a hurricane...then the scene switched to the boy being rushed into the hospital and the girl crying her eyes right there running right beside the moving cart and her drenched in rain...the boy died too. i dont know why he did or what happend to him but he died.

it was so sad, but yet so beautiful with that song playing in the background while i watched it...

I swear that scene did not come from a movie or anything...i just thought it..so i think im going to write a story about it later..

P.S. im listening to Miserable at best replaying the scene right now....

so somewhere in the mist of all that i finally went to sleep....to only wake back up 3 and a half hours later..=(

i had so much free time this morning...

i cooked breakfast, made my bed, showed, did the clothes and dishes, took Lil man out to potty, cleaned my room, cleaned my bathroom, vacuumed my room, and brushed Lil man all before 10:00

grr.

Now i have nothing to do all day besides blog about me not having a life. =/

Fml.